Friday, December 19, 2014

Hope?

A random conversation clicked something. I've called myself a cynic. I am a nice, caring person, but I still get crap in life. So, I feel it's rather justified. But deep down, there is still that hopeless romantic and the girl who believes in unicorns. I want to get that back. I want to believe that good DOES win. I want to believe in random acts of kindness and that I SHOULD still provide them even if it seems to screw me over in the end. I am surrounded by a world of selfishness and it has made me want to be just like it. Because what's the point in helping if no one ever helps you? I struggle to remember that I HAVE been helped. That I CONTINUE to be helped.

But regardless, one of the most poignant books I've ever read has been The Hiding Place. Bits of the book come to mind in certain situations. Like when she was in the medical place and instead of being a selfish slob like the rest of them; like she was tempted to do; she helped care for them, even though she was just as sick as many of them. Even though they lashed out at her. Corrie ten Boom is my role model. But life has beat me up, but remembering HER situation makes me feel rather guilty.

I won't discount my own (or anyone else's) level of strength. Just because one can handle aspects of a harsh life doesn't mean that a seemingly petty issue isn't a HUGE issue to someone else. $20 to one person might seem like pocket change, but could give someone else hope and freedom.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

What's in a Name?

My name is Lori Alana Cox, but I have also been called Lo, Sis, and other names. I don't seem to have a universal nickname, and sometimes I wish I did, but it also proves a fact about myself: I am a complicated person with many facets. I can also be a contradiction unto myself. I am Sis mostly to my family, Lo to my brother and close friends. I am Hun to people who use that nickname with most everyone. I am "my Dear" to my husband, which is the most treasured to me.

I often find Lori rather dull, and have had a few partial attempts to be called Alana instead. I also prefer a different pronunciation of Alana than my mom chose, but I can't seem to change it even in my own mind. Lori is my name and I have been conditioned to think of it as a way to get my attention. If someone uses it when chatting with me, I feel like I am in trouble. I have thought about this, and have yet to figure out why this is.

Alana is not a name used to identify me among the world at large. Only close family and friends know it and perhaps this is why I am ok with it being just my middle name. It's special in that not many know it. It almost feels sacred that it's barely spoken or written outside of forms. My first and last name fit me well. My first name is common and dull, as I must seem on first impression. Then you get to know me and I am much more. I am deep, sensitive, dreamy, and other things that my middle name seems to fit. You only know my middle name if I've let you in past the foyer of my first name.

My family name is Cox. I am married, but I have not had it legally changed to Sanchez. I chose this because he lives in Canada and while I was there living with him, I felt it would be less confusing with all the paperwork of becoming a permanent resident there. However, when I returned here, I found that switching my license back to Arkansas was rather cumbersome due to that decision.

That is my name as an identifier, as pet names, as an indication of how well a person knows me. With different people my name is connected to an identification number, a friend, a relative, a love. My name has different meanings to different people. My name is only a set of words, but it has become a way to identify myself. These words have been through many changes, but they will always be me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Routine

I've tried to do routines based on time, but never seems to work out. I get up before noon sometimes just so I can watch Gilmore Girls, but with Netflix, that's not really necessary anymore. Though I still prefer it on the TV. Christmas has ruined that for me though.

So regardless of time, this seems to be my schedule:

Wake up
Coffee & Gilmore Girls & KF, Ovi, etc. (No need to know what those are. They exist merely to kill time and give an illusion of productiveness, but the laid back tasks help me wake up.)

It's kind of loose after that. Usually I drink milk (sometimes only that depending on appetite) and take my pills and lay down. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I just look at my tablet. Thankfully, with some motivation of getting ready for school, I've forgone my nap for sorting and packing.

Sounds lazy, I know. I won't deny it. I will say I also job search and work on school stuff. This has been my late fall. I might get up before supper, but in any case, I get food and eat. First few days of the week is online games with people in Skype. Last few is hoping to ignore the cabin fever I usually get on Fridays.

Starting in January, this will all change. Earlier days. Still might nap before dinner time. But will be working on homework rather than gaming, etc. Well, I'll ask that we end soon. Also depending on assignments and due dates, there is some stuff I can multitask with.

Oh, sometimes I work on crochet when gaming.

I know this isn't really living. I know things will change soon. I welcome the change. But I am going to bask in this ease and comfort while I can. Soon, I will have to get used to a new bed; new room; new environment; new people all up in my business.

New worries about grades, money, time. oy vey

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

SQUEEE!!! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!!

I JUST got this!!!!!

Congratulations! You have been admitted to the University of Central Arkansas for spring 2015. Attached is a scanned copy of your admit letter. You can log into the UCA website as instructed on your admit letter and follow the registration directions. It will let you know who to contact to start the registration process. The original admit letter is being mailed to you.

Much Longer Than 140 Characters

Every once in a while, I think about writing an entry. Then I just go nah and send a string of tweets.

A friend of mine hates Twitter and has said that we're forgetting how to write in longer ... Well considering I can't think of a proper phrase and my first paragraph isn't technically a paragraph (and the sentence itself proves him right, I'm going to try to correct that.

So seems I DID post recently about college plans. And this blog is about my creative journey, endeavors, etc. And I am a creative. I lost hope at being good at it for some reason, even going into theatre partly because being a little cog in a wheel is less pressure than all success hanging on just me. However, theatre is not my calling. I will still work in it, but it's just not what I'm meant to do for a living. Graphic Design, however, is in my blood.

Why I became too lazy to pursue it is a question I am sure I know the answer to, but right now, I'll let that seep into my thoughts at a slow pace. I just want to concentrate getting into it again. I know I need to upgrade my skills to meet with new technology. I also feel I never really got a solid foundation. I think I have a natural feel for how things should look, but I never learned the mechanics of it. I've read articles and there were some handouts in a class, but I crave to soak in all the possible information and theory possible. I also crave to have projects and while I love making things just for the heck of it, I rarely get inspiration or drive to do something that doesn't have a purpose.

Recently, the only time I've opened Photoshop is to work on modifying a picture for a character avatar for online games. I am broke, unemployed, and hoping for enough financial aid for school, so using gas to go game is out of the question. SO glad for RollD20. I have some gas but I am saving it for when I need to get to the school. While I'm in town, I plan to give one friend first pick at some clothes I need to get rid of. I also plan to pick up some money I lent to another friend. Not to mention hang out with them.

I'm hoping to sell several other things in hopes of gas money. I also put up a gig on fiverr. None of these things seem promising. I need to find a part time job, so another thing I plan to do while in college town.

Well, it's more than 140 characters. I do like to keep a looser, more casual feel to my blog, but I do hope my writing improves.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

COLLEGE BOUND!

I still need the admissions office to accept me so Financial Aid can determine how much I get, but going off the FAFSA estimate, I budgeted out January through May 2015 of my life.

I even plan on buying a futon. I plan on renting an apartment. It's Mac and Cheese all that time with some spare money (not much) if I just feel like vomiting at the thought of eating it. I love M&C, but I did get myself sick of it once before.

So I'm trying not to get TOO excited as plan often go awry. I may get just enough to cover tuition.

I'm trying even harder not to think I underestimated possible costs or they underestimated my estimate. I'm trying to think that I may have to sleep on the floor ...

And frankly I forgot to factor in school supplies. I've stockpiled pens and pencils and... I like printing lined paper on school printers. >_> <_ p="">
Not optimal, but I like to think I'm an expert and while I love comfort, can go without for the sake of a bigger goal.

I had thought I wanted Theatre, but after the little tour, I'm glad I took the tour, because for some reason, while I totally believe it should be in EVERY COLLEGE and there should be at least a community college within every 15 miles of anywhere (at least), I just don't see what it can get me in the end. I don't see myself THAT motivated. Motivated to have fun and volunteer occasionally, but not motivated enough to count on it to make a living off of.

Graphic Design. I already have an associates and several years experience and have been wanting to upgrade my skills.

My timeline is hoping to hear back from admissions by at least December and adjust budget as needed based on how much aid I get. If I can't afford even apartment rent, I'm going to have to sweet talk some friends... Or commute.

Actually. Let's calculate how much it will be to commute. Gas in place of rent, food, futon, etc.

Ok, so basically, it's much cheaper to live OFF campus. Which also means I will try for just T/R classes.

But to be honest I much rather go with my original plan. But that is only feasible if I get at least the estimate. Or if I can live with friend...

Still planning Plan A, B, C, etc

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

First Round of Tests... and Interrupting Muse

The test was NOT today which is good because I had a random moment of inspiration to create a character that I've missed a few games due to having NO idea who I wanted her to be. Therefore when it hits, I work with it. So all day, I researched and wrote 3 pages. I was just not motivated to study sociology. But I have this afternoon and tomorrow to study. Also US History test sometime this week. Online so as long as I take it before Saturday, I'll be ok. Civ test is next Friday... Good way to not think about Valentines Day for awhile.... though I plan to be my own valentine and am happy with that. :)

Anyway, today I feel inspired to travel the world. To observe, explore, wander.

I'm thinking more and more of being a curator. Travel the world to collect art, anything really. Books even. Just Culture.

Anyway... back to now and all....

Hope?

A random conversation clicked something. I've called myself a cynic. I am a nice, caring person, but I still get crap in life. So, I fe...